Are your parents responsible for your happiness?
3 things nobody talks about on Mother's Day and why your parents weren't to blame for your unhappiness.
Mother's Day is just over (I'm just realizing my kids have already forgotten it. YOUR NEXT YEAR WILL FOLLOW THIS IF YOU'RE READING THIS NOW! DID WE UNDERSTAND ?!), and on holidays like this, social media is literally flooded :
Family members rave about their own family members in the flowery words, the most unusual descriptions and the deepest expressions of love.
Your own mother is "the brightest role model, the best friend, the greatest inspiration and the most unconditional support."
Optionally, the roles are swapped, and the own child is the climax of the emotions, because that is "the greatest love in life, the deepest fulfillment, the only determination, the most overwhelming happiness."
Honor the flood of emotions, but the truth is, there are just as many screwed up, complicated, or lousy mother-child relationships.
(Or parent-child relationships, but because of the above-mentioned reason I use the mother as the basis for my text.)
Nobody talks about such things, and yet they have an enormous potential for suffering.
So that the suffering finally comes to an end, I will talk about it today - someone has to, so then I will :).
1. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness.
For some mothers, frustration, bad mood and stress are more the rule than the exception:
Maybe you are in an unhappy partnership, have financial worries, suffer from depression, or you don't really know what to do with yourself and your life.
AND THAT'S NOT AS RARE AS YOU BELIEVE.
If the resilience is low anyway due to the circumstances, then everything spontaneous, loud, unpredictable, wild, strenuous (i.e. = everything childlike) is an additional stress factor for the mother.
And no matter how much she “pulls herself together”: the children have very fine antennae and quickly find out what makes mom happy and what makes them more strenuous.
They adapt their behavior accordingly (often unconsciously): They are quieter. Or funnier. Or make an enormous effort in school. Or choose a hobby that mom likes. Or help more around the house.
This pattern can continue into old age, because after all you know what mom likes, right?
Hasn't she always wanted someone to study?
And aren't your greatest wishes grandchildren?
And wouldn't she be deeply disappointed if you didn't show up at every family celebration?
And bang! one tries (even at 37 years of age!) to make mom happy, because "If you would stop by more often, then I would not be so lonely.", etc.
The truth is:
You are not responsible for your parents' happiness or unhappiness.
You are not responsible for whether your mother is in a good mood today or if she is in a bad mood because “you haven't contacted me for so long”.
You are not responsible for her being bitter because she "wanted to make something of her life, but then she got you and missed all opportunities."
You are not responsible for her secretly blaming you for staying in a toxic relationship "so that you could have a home" (WTF, who wants to grow up in a toxic home?).
You. are. Not. For. yours. Mother. responsible.
It's not your fault, not your business, non of your business.
If you want to encourage, love, give gifts, support and help her practically, then only because YOU WANT IT FROM FREE PIECES AND OUT OF LOVE, and not because she expects it from you.
What are you responsible for instead?
You are responsible for keeping your distance first when every encounter and every conversation with your mother pulls you down.
You are responsible for not attending a wedding reception / communion / 60th birthday / funeral (or leaving earlier without giving a reason if it gets acidic) if you always need 2 days afterwards to recover emotionally from it .
You are responsible for not being manipulated and for not having to listen to smug, hurtful or disrespectful remarks - about yourself in general, your figure, your upbringing style, your way of life, your style of dress, your choice of job in particular - by giving clear statements make or consequently let the contact be completely.
THAT is your responsibility.
Not whether mom is okay.
And not whether she likes you.
Whether she likes you or not is none of your business.
2. You are not responsible for the happiness of your children.
I am one of the few who are allowed to write this sentence because everyone knows how happy my brood's childhood was;).
And how intensely I enjoyed my time as a full-time mom to 3 children.
The above statement is CERTAINLY no legitimation for a selfish lifestyle with children.
The truth is:
Having children is a fulfilling task, but not THE FULFILLMENT.
Having children is the closest thing to selflessness, but not LOVE.
Having children is really wonderful, but of short duration - because they move out (hard to believe!), Become independent and you may not see them for years.
If you have established your identity in your motherhood, then it will be bad for you when the children are gone - overnight your fulfillment, your love, and "everything that is important to me" is gone, and then ?!
Then what is it?
Do you then live without fulfillment and without love in the "abandoned nest"?
That would be very undignified.
You can actually get a lot of confirmation, love and fulfillment from this mother / parenthood, and you can literally lose yourself in the emotions - absolutely socially accepted and highly praised.
However, I consider this focus on children to be totally unhealthy for everyone involved.
Don't worry about your child or drive yourself crazy if something doesn't work out (happens often enough), instead focus on living a happy life - everyone benefits the most, including your children.
If the children are gone then nothing changes for you - you are just as happy as before, only this time without children (is also cheaper in the long run;)).
Being free of your own children is the most relaxed thing of all, and you can practice that before they move out completely:
out of sight - out of mind.
That is freedom.
If the child is your top priority, your mood will also depend on the child's mood, and you will always endeavor to keep it positive: What can you do to make the mood good again? An ice cream? Movie theater? Help with homework? More pocket money? Funny jokes?
This is not only very changeable and exhausting, it is also wrong, because then the child is actually leading.
In a parent-child relationship, however, the child should never lead, that is not his job at all!
You set the course.
You indicate the direction (it is important that the direction is good;)).
The child can follow.
Whether it's in a good or bad mood is not your problem.
In the future, your child will often do some nonsense, make wrong decisions, hang out with people you don't agree with, and sometimes be unhappy.
Imagine all of this is not your fault.
Oh yes, speaking of guilt….
3. Your parents are not to blame for your misfortune.
There are dreadful homes:
Beats instead of love. Manipulation instead of affection. Abuse instead of support. Neglect instead of caring.
The list of torments in hell is long.
Do you know what i believe
I am convinced that people who play an important role and have a great task in life often experience the worst resistance very early on.
The devil is not stupid, he knows who he is dealing with - and if he manages to harm the person in childhood, then it only has advantages for him.
The wounds are deep, the consequences for the personality devastating, a clear 1-0 victory of the darkness.
I know that I am putting myself on very thin ice with what I am about to write, because there are countless therapies, books, methods and techniques on how to come to terms with the past.
Then you deal with the suffering for years and decades, and solidify the victim mentality.
Then you are the one whose mother was mentally ill.
My suggestion, however, is:
We're turning the whole thing into the exact opposite.
And today. And now.
Bad enough what happened. It may be that your parents caused this.
But now YOU come.
You are not the victim of your mother / father - you are LOVE.
You are not the downtrodden, abused, weak, small, incompetent, stupid, doing everything wrong person - you are THE AMBASSADOR OF LOVE.
From this position, you can first forgive your parent (how exactly this works is shown HERE):
That is the most important thing of all. You CANNOT skip this step or leave it out entirely.
Again: without that there is no change.
Step two is: Away with being a victim, thinking about being a victim, acting as a victim.
You make a decision against the role of victim, against the "My parents are to blame that I ...", against the "If the bad hadn't happened then, I would be somewhere else." argue against it (and they will! Anyway, ignore that).
No matter what terrible thing happened back then:
Love is stronger
YOU are stronger.
No matter how it feels, no matter how long or bad it was, no matter what you've tried and it didn't work out, no matter who told you what:
Love beats hate, beats sorrow, heals wounds, erases trauma, makes everything perfect again, healthy, beautiful, radiant and strong.
She IS the beauty, the radiance, the strength, the absolutely superior sovereignty herself, your absolute trump card.
It's not even a fight, it's a smooth 1: 1,000,000 victory for you.
Well, devil, what now ?!
„But Joanna, I can't do anything with “now you are coming” - I don't even know myself because I've suffered so much from the other for years. And how do I know if I am love? "
I see, then we do it like this:
Now I'm coming.
I am love
Everywhere that you don't know what to do next, I know my way around.
Wherever you feel too weak, my strength is enough.
You can hear me louder wherever your feelings or some demons tell you lies.
You are not the one whose mother had any problems and took them out on you - you are mine.
And we show the world why you are here (namely not to come to terms with your past).
We show the world how strong and beautiful love is.
This will be seen most strongly in your life.
1: 1,000,000 victory for you.
Are you in?
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